“You look like a raccoon,” the Doctor said gleefully. “A raccoon tangled up in a blonde wig.”, 2041
They regularly travelled to places where it was bitterly cold. But after a particularly icy encounter involving a meat freezer on a moon that was mostly frozen anyway Rose decided that they needed to go somewhere tropical, preferably with pretty beaches, lots of sun and cocktails – the kind that had the little umbrellas in the top and glace cherries resting on the rim.
“Can we go somewhere with banana daiquiri’s?” the Doctor had hedged hopefully and before Rose quite knew it they were landing the TARDIS in the foliage of a gorgeous tropical garden that fringed the private pool of a rather posh hotel somewhere (as the Doctor vaguely put it) in the Asia Pacific.
“Whole universe and you brought me back to Earth?” Rose had been doubtful at first when she peeked outside but after a long and rambling diatribe on the rules that so many planets had on public bathing as well as the risk of angry alien aquatic beings or various natural disasters he may or may not have remembered about...well she soon gave in and made her way to the wardrobe to look for something to wear.
The Doctor trailed after her, continuing his rambling as she located bikini, hat and sandals. Rose ignored him for the most part, too engrossed in her quest for a sarong.
“And besides,” he concluded as she pawed through a pile of miscellaneous beachwear that mainly seemed to be from the early twentieth century. She wasn’t entirely sure why the Doctor had in excess of twenty old fashioned lace bathing caps but it certainly wasn’t what she was looking for. “I don’t like beaches. All that sand getting in places where it just shouldn’t be...” he shuddered.
“Aha!” Rose, having finally located a sarong, wrapped it around her waist, whacked a pair of oversized sunglasses on her face, tweaked the brim of her sunhat and affected a terrible American accent. “Let’s go hit some waves.”
Shaking his head and laughing, the Doctor reached for her hand. “You know who you look like?”
“Who?” Rose automatically took the bait and his hand.
“Oi!” she said and smacked his arm.
“Oi!” he yelped back, jumping. “That wasn’t meant to be rude! It was a compliment!”
“Yeah right,” Rose scoffed but then just as quickly nudged him and grinned. “You gonna put suntan oil on my back for me?”
The Doctor grinned back at her.
“Maybe,” he told her airily. “If you ask me nicely.”
The pool was glorious and not tremendously crowded. Even better, there was an underwater bar that Rose wasted no time in acquainting herself with. The Doctor preferred to stay on dry land, guarding Rose’s things and picking at the remains of a lukewarm packet of chips wrapped in newspaper that he had pulled out of the inside of his suit jacket – much to the other patron’s general bemusement and consternation.
And it wasn’t just that. Despite his rolled up sleeves and the skew of his tie, the rest of his attire all seemed to scream ‘misfit’. Rose was amazed – leather jacket or pinstriped suit he’d always seemed to somehow magically blend in with the local colour. This was the first time he had really stuck out and she actually felt a little bit sorry for him sitting all by himself. Taking time out from her frolicking and cavorting (and drinking) she swam over to the edge of the pool and called out across the concrete, folding her arms underneath her chin.
“You gonna come swimming or what?”
“Oh I’m having more fun watching you than I would if I was in the water,” he told her, pulling his trusty aviator sunglasses out of nowhere and leaning back on his deckchair with his hands behind his head. “Trust me.”
“You look like a frumpy old business man who doesn’t know how to have fun,” Rose teased. “All you need’s a briefcase an’ a mobile.”
“I do not!” he said, rising magnificently to the bait. “I’m not anywhere near frumpy. And what do I need a briefcase for when I’ve got transdimensional pockets?”
“Whatever. You should come and swim.” Rose told him as she backpedalled away from the wall. “S’fun.”
To prove her point she performed a perfect handstand for him, scissoring her legs gracefully before coming up for air.
“Very nice.” he commented dryly as she pushed her hair back from her face. “But I think I’ll leave the water aerobics to the ex-gymnast.”
“Anybody can do handstands in water Doctor.” Rose told him and then grinned as a sudden thought occurred to her. “You’re not...scared are you?”
The Doctor scoffed. “Of water?”
“No of sea monsters,” Rose rolled her eyes. “Of course of water.”
“Don’t laugh,” the Doctor said sternly. “I’ve met my fair share of sea monsters Rose – and not just in the ocean either. All sorts of nasty things live in the water.”
“Chicken.” Rose taunted and then clucked at him a few times for good measure.
“For your information I am not afraid of water. Or sea monsters,” the Doctor told her primly before glancing down at his long legs a little sheepishly. “To be honest I’m more worried about what these pins of mine would look like in bathing shorts.”
Rose burst out laughing but quickly stifled herself when the Doctor shot her a reproachful look.
“Don’t you laugh at me Rose Tyler!” he said but he seemed more amused than upset.
“Didn’t know you were so sensitive about it,” she admitted with a grin and the Doctor raised his chin in a show of mock-arrogance.
“Well! I do have a reputation to uphold you know.”
Rose actually snorted with laughter, earning her an impressive show of eyebrow wiggling from the Doctor. “You’re ridiculous,” she told him and shook her head as she paddled off back to bar.
As she sipped her next cocktail (courtesy of the psychic paper of course) Rose had a good long think about how she could possibly coax the Doctor into the water for a swim. Because she had to. She just had to. Even if she had to drag him in with her.
Actually, that wasn’t such a bad idea. Slipping off the bar stool she began a leisurely paddle back to where he was sitting. If she tried to talk him into it she’d be here all day. She was more likely to get him in the water through subterfuge.
As she paddled back towards him once again she fixed her eyes at a point over the other side of the pool and stood up abruptly.
“Doctor?” she called over to him, her voice rising in concern. “Doctor I think you should come and take a look at this...”
He perked up instantly. “What is it?” he called.
“I dunno,” Rose said. “But whatever it is I don’t think it’s human...”
She backed up against the edge of the pool as she spoke and tried to suppress a grin as she heard him come padding up eagerly behind her.
“Where?” he demanded.
“Over there,” Rose pointed and then turned to look up at him. He was leaning over the edge of the pool, hands braced on his knees. Behind his sunglasses he was squinting out over the pool and for a minute she almost felt bad for what she was about to do.
“Rose I can’t see anything,” he finally admitted, sounding confused. “Are you sure you didn’t just...?”
He turned to her Rose seized her chance. Quickly grasping a skinny ankle and a wrist she took advantage of his surprise and yanked him off balance. Instantly he tumbled into the water, mouth making an ‘o’ of surprise as he crashed through the surface.
When he exploded back into the air several seconds later the Doctor still looked completely shocked and more than half drowned. His hair had gone everywhere, his shirt was clinging wetly to every inch of his torso and his tie had flipped up onto his shoulder like some demented silk epaulet.
“You...you...Rose Tyler!” he finally managed to splutter indignantly before realising that he’d lost his sunglasses. “Where are my sunglasses?” he wailed, glancing about desperately. “You made me lose my sunglasses! D’you know who gave those to me?”
“Oh I don’t care.” Rose said impatiently and then splashed him.
The Doctor goggled at her.
“Rose Tyler,” he said, shocked. “Did you just splash me.”
Rose – very deliberately – splashed him again.
“You...” he began and then a wicked grin blossomed on his face and he lunged at her.
Shrieking with laughter, Rose began to swim away but he caught her around the waist and hoisted her up in the air before dunking her quite spectacularly. Rose came up coughing and spluttering, her hair all over her face.
“You look like a raccoon,” the Doctor said gleefully. “A raccoon tangled up in a blonde wig.”
Rose swiped self consciously at the mascara she had forgotten to take off. “Yeah? Well you look like a drowned rat!”
The Doctor just about went cross eyed trying to get a good look at his ruined fringe. Rose’s laughter soon turned to shrieks again as the Doctor began splashing her again.
“Excuse me, sir, miss?”
The two of them jumped, caught out and then slowly looked up at a hotel employee whose name badge pronounced her as ‘Joy’. She was wearing cut off cargoes and a cheerful floral shirt but her face was anything but happy as she observed the two of them.
“Sir you are not wearing appropriate attire to be swimming.” She informed him flatly. “I’m going to have to ask you to vacate the pool area please.”
“Oh. Yes. Right. Sorry I erm, fell in.” The Doctor lied. The effect was somewhat ruined however by Rose having to duck her head to disguise the barely suppressed giggles that were shaking her entire body. “We’ll...just leave shall we?”
“I think that might be best,” Joy the hotel employee said curtly and then watched them beadily as they hauled themselves out of the pool and gathered their things, both of them still working to keep from laughing.
“Lovely place,” the Doctor commented glibly to Joy as they were leaving. “Might have to come back one day and actually pay for the pleasure of staying here.”
The woman’s face went from unhappy to absolutely stormy at this and just as she opened her mouth to call security the Doctor grabbed Rose’s hand.
They ran, dripping, back to the TARDIS and didn’t stop laughing until they were in the Vortex again.
“I’ve got water in my trainers,” the Doctor said, hopping from foot to foot with a pained expression on his face as they squeaked and squelched.
“Got any other ideas for places we can go for a swim without getting kicked out?” Rose asked, towelling her hair off so it didn’t drip through the grating.
“Sure,” the Doctor said, casually throwing a final switch with the hell of his palm. “I’m pretty sure the TARDIS hadn’t jettisoned the pool last time I checked.”
Rose paused in the act of wrapping the towel around herself.
“There’s a pool on here?”
“Yeah somewhere,” he said vaguely then turned to her, eyes sparkling. “Want to see if we can find it?”
He made as if to bolt off but Rose quickly stopped him.
“Ah! Only if you promise that you’ll swim. Properly too, not just cos I pulled you in.”
The Doctor raised his eyebrows slightly. “You thought I was going to sit on the side and watch?”
Rose’s nose wrinkled. “But...how come you wouldn’t swim in the hotel pool with me then?”
“You expect me to run around half naked in front of a bunch of strangers?” he said incredulously.
“So it’s different when it’s me you’re running around half starkers in front of is it?” Rose asked, trying her best not to look too pleased by the idea.
“Course it’s different,” the Doctor said and Rose was momentarily distracted as he tugged his tie off and then draped it over the railing to dry. “It’s you isn’t it?”
And with that extraordinary pronouncement he grinned at her and then galloped off into the TARDIS brazenly raising his voice in song.
She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up
She put the lime in the coconut, she called the doctor, woke him up
Say doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take
I say, doctor, to relieve this belly ache?
I say, doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take
I say doctor! Let me get this straight
You put the lime in the coconut, drink them both up
You put the lime in the coconut, drink them both up
You put the lime in the coconut, drink them both up
Put the lime in the coconut, you such a silly woman!
Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both together
Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better
Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both down
Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning...